Jeff Spencer

Rushing Roulette

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Life is filled with choices. We make them all day every day. Some are easy; others are hard. Some have serious consequences; others don’t. One thing most of us learn as we gain life experience is that decisions tend to be easier when we have fewer choices. Let’s take something simple, like breakfast: if you’re at home and your options are a bagel or a bowl of cereal, then your choice should be relatively easy.

If you agonize over that one, then I’m not sure I can help you – that’s a different kettle of fish. However, if you’re in an excellent breakfast place with great food and your options seem limitless, then things get more complicated. Omelets, pancakes, biscuits, huevos rancheros, French toast, yogurt with fresh organic fruit – they all speak to your belly and you want them all. A little bit of waffling is completely understandable.

But you have to choose one.

In that scenario, what most of us do is slow down, think it through, and make a good decision. We know the world isn’t going to end if we tell the server, “I think I need another minute to decide.” There’s no reason to be hasty.

Now let’s transpose this situation to one that’s more consequential than breakfast. A business decision, a life-trajectory decision, or a serious relationship decision. One where there are several options, and none of them seem to recommend themselves over any other.

A common mistake people make when facing big decisions with multiple options is they rush. They’re afraid things are going to fall apart if they don’t make a choice as soon as possible. Unlike the restaurant scenario, they don’t take time to evaluate their options. They get in a frantic tizzy. They shoot first and ask questions later. This almost always ends up in a net-loss, because the choice is made from fear and anxiety rather than clarity and confidence.

Watch and Wait

Here’s the solution: don’t act until one of your options moves to the foreground and the others recede into the background. Be patient. Exercise restraint. Watch for movement. Wait for the moment one choice emerges as the clear and obvious favorite, then act on that one. That way you won’t be stuck with a rash decision made in haste.

Instead, you’ll achieve the best outcome with the least effort.

I call that a win, no matter the scenario.

The High Road

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In the words of founding father Benjamin Franklin,

“…in this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.”

With all due respect to the man who pioneered our understanding of electricity, opened the first public lending library, designed the U.S. Postal Service, made the first lightning rod, and invented bifocal reading glasses, he left something off his short list of certainties.

Other people.

People are life’s greatest conundrum. They bring us happiness and drive us insane. They help us in times of need and hinder us at exactly the wrong moments. And one more thing is certain: at some point in life, we all interact with difficult personalities. Whether at work, play, or at home, some people push our buttons and bring out the worst in us.

We react instinctively. Our lowest self takes over. We get angry, snappy, passive aggressive, or vindictive. Whatever the case, we respond in ways we’re not proud of and certainly don’t want to be known for.

In an ideal world, we want to have civil, honest, and productive conversations about delicate, unavoidable subjects. Things come up. That’s life. Most of us can do it—with people we love and respect.

Challenging, yes. Impossible? No.

What’s tough is when have these conversations with people who get under our skin just by walking in the room. Too often, we cop out. We avoid the conversation, we let them have their way because caving is easier than taking a stand, we sacrifice our needs to keep the peace, or we get emotional and overreact.

None of these strategies work. At best, we kick the can down the road. At worst, we create an unresolved conflict.

Forewarned is Forearmed

In these situations, knowledge is your best friend. If you know you’re going to have a tough talk with someone who makes you crazy, take the following steps beforehand:

  1. Vow not to react to the person.
  2. Listen objectively.
  3. Respond objectively.
  4. Be the person you want to be.

When you focus on substance and not subtext, you break the chains of pre-programmed reactions that don’t serve you. When you value principles over personalities, you find solutions and move forward. When you trust in and act from your higher self, you maintain dignity and retain credibility.

You have the power to guide the situation in any direction you choose.

My advice? Always take the high road.

The Life of the Party

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This Christmas, a friend of mine had a problem: she planned a Christmas Eve soiree, but at the last minute, everything went sideways. She came to me in a state of near-panic. She’d done everything right. She mailed invitations early, planned a creative gourmet spread of food and drink, and knew exactly how she wanted her house to look.

That was the problem: the house.

See, she was moving. Anyone who’s moved house knows it never goes exactly as expected. There are always glitches. She thought she’d planned far enough ahead, but the move got delayed so much that the lovely, comfortable new home she wanted to share with her friends was filled with piles of clothes and stacks of boxes.

She didn’t know what to do. She wanted the party to be special, and she didn’t see how she could pull it off surrounded by unfinished drywall and furniture still covered in plastic. There wasn’t a holiday decoration in sight.

The Person Makes the Place

In this situation, most people either cancel or spend so much energy apologizing—and being grumpy—that they ruin the mood for everyone. They expect the party to be a let-down, they act let-down, and they greet people at the door with a litany of excuses and qualifications. The party turns out bad, and it’s no surprise.

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I didn’t want my friend to go down that road.

I let her freak out for a minute, then took her by the shoulders and said, “Listen. You could draw a Christmas tree on a piece of paper and put it on the wall and it wouldn’t matter.”

“You think?”

“I know. You want to make the space sacred, right?”

“Absolutely.”

“Then hold it sacred. It’s all about your energy. Your spirit will make the party special, not any external factor. If you act like you’re at the Taj Mahal, your guests will feel like they’re at the Taj Mahal. Just tell everyone the move got delayed, and get on with it.”

“Well…”

“Trust me. We’re coming to see you. You’re going to make the experience, not any tinsel or garland or fancy tablecloth.”

She changed her perspective, and a week later, hosted a magical event with poise, grace, and dignity. It was a hit. Everyone was amazed at her courage, transparency, intent, and honesty. This should be a lesson to us all: when circumstances aren’t ideal for what you’ve planned, it doesn’t matter.

Because at the end of the day, you’re the life of the party.

 

Strength of Conviction

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One of my closest friends is a brilliant entrepreneur. He generates more great business ideas before his first cup of coffee every morning than most people do in their lifetime. He’s also skilled at weeding out the ideas he knows will work from the ones that won’t. But in his own words, it’s more about figuring out what the public—and more importantly, potential investors—are ready for than whether his idea is good or not.

Because he knows his ideas are good. All of them. It’s just a matter of pitching them to the right people at the right time in the right way. That’s why I was surprised when he come to me with a confession: he felt like he was losing his mojo.

I was more than surprised. Here’s a guy who can sell sand at the beach. Sky high confidence, always upbeat. This time was different. He was rattled. He’d been pitching an idea for months with no success. He was accustomed to blowing people away with his presentations, but this time he was getting nowhere. Everyone loved his idea, recognized its value, and praised it on its merits—but no one was willing to take a risk and go first.

Zero traction.

Played by The Room

I realized he’d fallen into a common trap: instead of playing the room, the room was playing him. He was toning down his language, tempering his enthusiasm, and leaving out his best attributes: his confidence the strength of his convictions. Remember, this is a guy who can sell needles to a porcupine and snowshoes to a camel.

He forgot that.

His presentations got lukewarm, so the responses he got were lukewarm.

Instead of infusing the room with belief and energy, he pulled back. Rather than being proactive and educating potential partners about the tremendous upside of his prospect, he went reactive. He played defense. He let the presentations fall into a negative feedback loop, and half the time never got to his best material or his sure-fire closing lines.

I told him to regroup and remember who he was at his core. To speak from his highest self. To walk into those rooms with the full belief he’d walk out with a yes. To put all his cards on the table every time, treat every pitch as if it was his last, and give the potential partner every opportunity to go all-in on his idea.

I saw the lightbulb click on over his head, and I knew that was exactly what he needed to hear.

He got his mojo back—and his idea got the traction it deserved.

How to DIY Success

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To DIY or Not DIY

I love it when coaching clients arrive loaded with self-belief, confidence, and determination. I sense it right away by the way they carry themselves and the way they talk. They meet life head-on, relish new challenges, take responsibility for managing their time and energy, and hold themselves accountable for their actions.

When I meet a truly scrappy, Do-It-Yourself type, I know half my job is done. I get to skip the basics—attitude, positive self-talk, productive daily habits—and get straight to fine-tuning. It’s like the difference between teaching an entry level-college class and a graduate seminar. The foundational knowledge and skills are there. My job is to take them to the next level.

There’s only one problem: they think they can do anything. They hate asking for help. Success in one thing makes them expect success at everything. When they try something new and things don’t go right, they think the problem is them—so they work harder. They put pressure on themselves to conquer any challenge they face.

Typically, this is an attitude I praise. With some people, though, it backfires: their greatest strength becomes their greatest weakness.

Available Means, Resources, Self-Awareness

No one can possibly know everything or predict what skills they’ll need to handle the curveballs life throws their way. Belief and talent only go so far. Specific knowledge takes care of the rest. Confident people often end up spending way too much time fighting battles they can’t win. Through no fault of their own: they simply don’t have the wiring, experience, or ability to do it all.

If I just described you, take my advice: know thyself. Know when to ask for help.

I once had a client who was very successful in her field. She wanted to share her knowledge with the world, so she decided to create an online tutorial. But she had no experience creating online teaching programs. That didn’t bother her, because she’s a self-starter. She showed me what she had—and it was a train wreck. I knew if she didn’t get professional help, at least three bad things would happen:

  1. Her customers wouldn’t get the help she wanted to give.
  2. She’d look unprofessional.
  3. She’d lose business.

Instead of the win-win she was after, she set herself up for a lose-lose.

I connected her to a colleague with high-level expertise designing online educational programs. They put their heads together and created an amazing tutorial. I got an email from her the other day—beta testing was complete, the course was wildly successful, and I was thrilled for her.

Always get expert help before you need it—otherwise, your dream might become a nightmare.